My 12 week 1day scan, last Wednesday

So I'm 11weeks 2days today, I never thought id get to 11weeks. I'm so happy, I'm not bothered on whatever everyone else has to say anymore, yes I'm having a baby deal with it.
I see my widwife tomorrow, even get to here the heart beat which is apparently really emotional, i can't wait, then Wednesday i get too see my little baby. So excited

I must be showing more than i think i am, as im meeting people i haven't seen for a month or two and there saying they can see a little bump coming, some are saying there jealous that they didnt show till they were 22weeks, maybe because im small its strange seeing me with a little bit off fat, or baby bump coming alone, it had me in tears, as yes before i got pregnant i had problems with eating and my worse fear in the world was to get fat, so if i saw that i was putting on weight id stop eating anything, but i guess because i know i now have no choice i have to eat, its hard seeing that im putting on weight, but i hope that at the end off this ill look at food different and maybe wont me as scared to put weight on, i dont no.

So the last past day or so I've notice that anything jay is saying is annoying me, I'm not one to get annoyed, I don't no what it is he might not even have done anything and I'm fed up and annoyed with him, then the next minute I'm totally fine and acting normal again as if nothing had just happened, I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm not liking it

So heres my belly at 10Weeks one day, Most people might not see any different than just a normal size belly, but the people that know see a big difference, i was size 4, size 0 in the usa, and all off the sudden out off no where, this belly came, ive always been small for my age, its just my build and im lucky, but i have no clothes bigger than and size 4, im not really sure if a belly should be growing at 10weeks? Even family and friends are shocked, keep joking about it being twins.. Im just telling myself ive eaten to much, I still dont even eat that much... Maybe im just gonna have a baby bump sooner because im small anyways? I walk around college just feeling fat, because under clothes it doesnt really look like a bump yet, just that ive put on weight...Not a nice look in my eyes, ive always had a fear off getting fat... But anyways the only thing that has been helping me stay in my old jeans are belly belt, its pretty good, but its not really work anymore... On the plus sizes i get to see my baby, or babies again on the 18th off this month! i cant wait, Yes i said babies everyone thinks its twins, even the midwife, But we shall see 14 days :)

First off all i saw my baby and he/she is amazing! its growing and doing what it should be, i saw a heart beat it was the most amazing thing i have ever seen, it hadnt really sunk in that i was carrying a baby, till yesterday when i saw there little heart beat.

I wanted to keep baby a secret till 12 weeks, i heard that was the safely mark? but anyway that was my plan, ive only told 4people, mum,dad, donna and jay (my boyfriend) but somehow the whole off my college has fount out, i havent said a word to anyone, its frustrating, because its my news too tell, not anyone elses and for some reason they think they have the right to share it with the whole college and even my sisters school, its not that im embarrassed, yes im a teen parent but as long as ive got my family for support i dont care what people say, i just didnt want everyone else to know yet, no one else in my family knows, my family is pretty big, my nan has 34 granchildren and 23 grate granchildren, so my family is big and thats just close family, i have family that go to my college and live in my street i didnt even no about, till the other day, and if something like this gets out, everyone else will know before ive told my nans or granddad. 

So Jay has gonna away for a week, he went away sunday, and i already miss him not the same not being able to text him or just meet him during the day, kinda sad hes dont gonna be at the scan, but i guess i can get a photo right? but it wont be the same, i have my mum id just prefer jay there, i hope everything goes okay tomorrow, i always get nervous that something is gonna be wrong, i guess i just dont no what to expect, and i hope nothing is wrong and that baby is growing and doing what it should be. 

Everything seems to have settle down now, people are getting use too the idea that yes I'm having a baby but that doesn't mean I've changed. I'm still me, no one at college knows yet, truth to be told is I'm scared off telling them, I dont want people to judge me, I mean j can tell my friends but do I really have to tell the tutors? Do they really need to know? It's not like I'm just about to drop. I dunno. I've got another scan in 9days, just to make sure everything is how it should be as I have a blood clotting condition that I didn't even no about. Lets hope everything is okay :-)

So saw the midwife today, wasn't as back as i thought it would be, i was a tad scared, as i didn't want to find out the baby was in the wrong place or hadnt be developing, but thankfully the baby was fine, nothing wrong, the right size for how many weeks.

Its funny how people treat teenagers different because there pregnant, it doesnt mean we are going to be crap mum's or anything, were just a bit younger than the normal mum, they act like we arent gonna be able to cope, with the right support were be alright, its people who comment on how bad they think were be, yeah im 18, but when my baby is born ill be 19. i dont think thats young, yeah its not 20, or whatever but im older than most teen mums, and does age really matter? as long as your happy, in a nice relationship, which i am, have a support network around you, then it couldn't matter if your 18 or 23. I come from a massive family and i know there always be there no matter what, so im happy, i couldn't careless what people could think now. ive had enough off people commenting on it 

5weeks and 3days pregnant

So my family now know im having a baby. 
At first they were angry and upset, what i was expecting to be honest, 
The hardest person to tell was dad, i dont no why i just didnt wanna hurt him i guess. 
So after a day or two they have got use to the idea that im now having a baby off my own, and we have spoke about what is best for me and the baby, And as i dislike abortions with a passion, i have decided im keeping it. What there totally fine with, they said there support me in anyway i need, which is nice to know. 
On the other hand my boyfriends parents are mad, they have voiced how they feel and that they wanted me to abort it, but im a strong headed person and im not going too.

Im having this baby with there support or not, that may sound harsh but its my body, yeah me and him both made it so we should both choose what we wanna do, but i dont believe in abortions, so in this case, he doesnt have much say, hes okay with that though, hes just a bit shocked, as we wasnt planning to have a baby. 

So today has been an interesting day, everyone now knows im pregnant, not that i wanted anyone to know till i was over 12weeks, but you tell one person and the whole world finds out. 
you cant tell anyone anything nowa days, even stays quiet for long. Not much i can do about it now aye? To top it all my boyfriends mum is trying to make me have abortion, isnt it up too me?i dont beilieve in them, never have never will. thats just me. 
Not only did that happen, my ex's girlfriends friend, thought it would be nice to share that when i was still with him, him and this girl had been seeing each other, i have nothing wrong with my boyfriends having girls who are friends, but its a tad weird when they suddenly get together after a month off 'us' splitting up, so out off anger what i think is understandable i called them both names, but noo, her friend has to go tell me ex and turn it round like i was bitching about her, does anyone else wanna have ago at me, im 18 and i feel like im back at primary school, why is everyone two faced. 
But then they can say you can only count your true friends on one hand. 

pregnancy....

Okay so ive had an intresting week, to say the least, ive just fount out im pregant, with a baby. 

Im not sure what im spose to do, i havent told anyone yet, i guess i dont wanna upset my family. im only 18 at the end off the day. 

I dont think ive taken it all in yet, im so scared. its a life changing thing and i have the rest off my life a had off me and now ive got a baby on the way....

im so confused...

Old times..

Ever wish you were back at school? When everything was easy, and given too you..
Everyone says school is the best time off your life, and the time your like yeah right, then when your older, and have left school and in college, you see that yeah it is the best times off your life, the only thing that you every had to worry about was what to wear on tag day, or your make up. 


Soon as those days are gonna things slowly change, nothing comes easy anymore, people change, and you have to make new friends, and with everything changing you start to lose your old friends, i know i have, we tried to keep in contact but with college, boyfriends and everything, you never have time. 
Me and my best friend were like twins, we did everything together, are work, town, sleepovers, even holiday, But then we started college and shes became this different person, someone i had never seen before, someone i wouldnt normally be friends with, she started bitching about everyone, me, showing off, totally changed from the girl i knew. 
I just miss the older times, im only 18 but so much as changed since i was 16...

First love? Do we ever move on?
One mintue you think your over them, and happy because they have moved on, next minute they talk too you, and you fall back in to the trap, you fall for them all over again..
As much as I wish he didn't have this control, I still want him in my life, I know maybe if I deleted him, I'd be able to move on, but I can't bring myself too do it, I don't wanna. I don't think I'm ready. He was a big part off my life, my best friend we did everything together. Told each other everything. We knew each other inside out, and I'm not ready to let him go....
I think it's time I sat down and thought able what I want, but whatevr it is, I know we aren't ever gonna get back together...

Boys!...

Ugh. You cant live without them, yet you cant live with them. 
They wonder why girls have trust issues. Well if you didnt lie we wouldnt have trust issues. 
Then when you start to trust them, they throw it back in your face. 
Last time i wear my heart on my sleeve. 
Try and be nice, and no one else is nice back at yaa.
Sometimes life can be so confusing.
God help me. 

Why is it when you need someone the most there never their, but they except you too be there for them? I swear this blog is becoming more and more depressing each time i writing on it, i guess it's the only way I can let my feelings out?


I mean have you ever walked in to a room fall off people and felt totally alone? Because thats how I feel everyday, and I know I have family to talk to, but some times you just wanna be able to talk to someone else someone who isn't gonna say anything just sit there and listen. I use to have a person i could do that with, just lay there and talk about everything, i didn't have to hide anything i could be myself, tell them all my problems or worries and they would just tell me it will be fine, i just need that again.. 
i feel like im carrying everyone else's problems as well as my own. 
Its just sad to think that know one can see how i feel, my friend was killed, yet no one understands how i feel, the world still works around them, i dont no how much more i can take

Death....

Well, the last couple off days have been interesting to say the least. 

You always here about people getting murdered on telly or in the newspaper but you never think that one day the person you know, will be there person getting murdered. its hard to believe that there are people like that round near you town or city, its something you never ever sit and think about till its happened, like why? or who could do that, everyone you walk passed seems to sound or look nice and safe. Well thats what i thought till the other day a young boy went missing, after texting hes friends that he had just left to meet them, next thing you know hes missing, without a trace, couple off days later hes body is fount, its horrible, what has the world actually come to? who could kill an innocent boy? its sick and wrong. 

No one should have the right to say if someone should live on not. I hope who ever did this is fount! 

This seems to be turning in to more off a diary that a blog, 
so its a saturday and im sitting at home, on my own, i have such amazing life.
i would go out with my friends, but one off them is pregnant, i dont have a problem with her being pregnant, im happy for her, but every time we go out all we seem to talk about is her baby, and after awhile it starts to get boring and annoying, yeah i love her to bits, but me and my other friends have stuff going on in our life as well that we would like to share and talk about, but all we get to hear is baby this baby that, then when she does stop talking about the baby, the baby scan is due and then were stuck with her talking about baby and everything.
i feel bad, but i dont wanna hear about her baby every day. i have other things on my mind. 

My Wonderful day in london with the girls, Most fun ive had in months